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 Post subject: What Led to the Release of Erik Bedard
PostPosted: Tue Aug 28, 2012 2:36 pm 
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Based on a True Story

As the lights come up, we see a mostly empty locker room. Only one stall is occupied. Erik Bedard sits naked on a bench, with a men's g-string next to him emblazoned with a screen-printed Canadian flag.

Neal Huntington enters from stage left. As he enters, Erik Bedard lifts his left thigh and lets loose a massive amount of flatulence, beginning as a deep baritone rumble and fading to a high pitched squeal.

Huntington: Thought I might find you here, Canadian Bacon.

Bedard: What's that?

Huntington: I have some bad news for you. You just got injured and are heading to the disabled list with your buddy Qualls.

Bedard: Huh? But I'm not hurt.

Huntington: Of course you are, Meat. You have a sprained ear lobe.

Bedard: A sprained huh? My ear is fine...

Huntington (walking up to Bedard, grabbing his left ear, and pulling/twisting): What's that, Canadian Bacon? Looks like your ear is hurting to me. Huh? Whatcha say now?

Bedard (screaming): What the hell, man? And stop calling me Canadian Bacon!

Huntington (ignoring the screaming): Now, as I was saying, you're going to spend some time on the DL with a sprained ear lobe. Wait, no, a dislocated ear. Sounds better. More severe. Probably take the rest of the year to recover. Whatcha think about that, Canadian Bacon?

Bedard: You can't do that to me. I'll call the players union. And stop calling me Canadian Bacon!

Huntington: (chuckles)

Bedard (with a sudden look of understanding on his face): Wait a minute, this is what you did to Quallsy, isn't it? You got him alone somewhere and probably stomped on his foot to hurt his toe.

Huntington (still chuckling): I did no such thing. (Leaning in to Bedard, confidentially...) I used a tire iron. (Maniacal laughter)

Bedard (looking horrified): You're crazy, man. I'm not going to take it. I'm not going on the DL with a fake injury.

Huntington: Have it your way then. We'll release you. When Hurdle's done in the crapper, he'll bring you your walking papers.

Bedard: Well, wait, can't we talk about this?

Huntington: Sorry, Meat, conversation's over. And don't you dare go squawking to the union about this little run in. Else we'll send you down to the Coon-dog's private island so he has some fresh game to hunt. He hasn't had anything to chase through the jungle since he caught that Lacee Collins feller we sent down there a couple months ago.

Bedard: Wait, what?

Huntington: You heard me. Coon-dog ain't satisfied shooting clay pigeons up at B-Nut's little mountain resort. Make sure your locker's cleaned out before you leave.

(Huntington exits stage left and lights fade out. As stage goes dark, Bedard lifts his thigh and let's another squeaker out.)

Huntinton (from offstage): And make sure you wipe that bench, Bacon!


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 Post subject: Re: What Led to the Release of Erik Bedard
PostPosted: Tue Aug 28, 2012 2:53 pm 
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Joined: Thu Jan 21, 2010 1:50 pm
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Location: Glenshaw, PA
:lol: :lol: :lol:

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 Post subject: Re: What Led to the Release of Erik Bedard
PostPosted: Tue Aug 28, 2012 3:35 pm 
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Worthy of a Golden Globe nomination for 'best original screenplay'.

I don't know why, but I laughed especially hard at Bedard referring to him as 'Quallsy'.

:lol:

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 Post subject: Re: What Led to the Release of Erik Bedard
PostPosted: Tue Aug 28, 2012 3:47 pm 
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Location: The Hinterlands of Northwestern PA
I'm waiting for the sequel, when Lacee comes back to life comic book-style on "Coon Dog's" island, with newly-acquired superpowers, a psychotically desperate sense of vengance and bloodlust for those who have wronged her, and huge boobs stuffed into a superhero costume consisting of 8 square inches of gold spandex.

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 Post subject: Re: What Led to the Release of Erik Bedard
PostPosted: Tue Aug 28, 2012 6:20 pm 
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Joined: Sun Apr 15, 2012 2:18 pm
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Location: West Virginia
Holy SHIT!!! :lol: I needed that! Kudos!


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 Post subject: Re: What Led to the Release of Erik Bedard
PostPosted: Wed Aug 29, 2012 1:25 am 
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Joined: Thu Mar 29, 2012 8:29 pm
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Looks like this

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